How Can I Love Her When She Says Things So Rudely & Does Some Of The Pettiest...

[Danielle]

Words people sometimes just do not realize how rude, degrading, or hurtful they can be. Well...when from family they really hurt. Sometimes a world of a lot more than they do from strangers, friends, acquaintances, and the like.

Will not say who said it.....but more or less it was in reference of my son. Got me so mad that I am about ready to spit nails. That family member too will be very fortunate not only if I ever forgive him/her, but if I speak to him/her ever again.

I claim my family members....I do not deny them. I may not always be proud of them or their choices, but to outright deny or answer my relationship with them as an "Uhhhhh...." really would be a low blow I would imagine.

Oh well...guess that is just another person that my little angel does not need to be subjected to. Who knows...maybe it will be for the better?

She lies to me...she lies to my folks. Takes my parents and everyone around her for granted.....how can I love her? I just cannot see me ever having a relationship with her....and do not really have a desire to have one. I can pray for her....but I do not want to be close to her...am I a bad person for this?

[Hakkiri]

This sounds like a sister or a sister-in-law or something...

Funny thing is--my mom is going through the same exact thing right now with her sister-in-law.  She takes my grandmother for granted (my grandmother has supported her financially for 30 years and she STILL hasn't had a job [due to some health issues...but c'mon--you gotta at least find SOME way to earn SOME money...]).  Worse, she treats my sister and i fine, but she treats my grandmother rather rudely, and it makes my mother furious.  She just had like the loudest argument with her over the phone last week.  So in terms of the conflict that arises between family members, I can sort of see where you're coming from.

Danielle...other than your husband, your son comes first.  Even if she is a family member, you would need to stand up for your own son because what she's been doing is wrong.  Also, coming from a Chinese background, the fact that I hear about how she treats your parents wrongly makes me feel that it's absolutely unacceptable.  Your feelings of anger and being upset are justified.

Now as a Christian, you definitely would need to ultimately have forgiveness in your heart to her since God forgave you.  It's nearly impossible for my mom to do that because she's not a Christian and doesn't understand God's forgiveness...but you're different, Danielle--you're a child of God.  Even if she doesn't accept your forgiveness, that's okay.  At that point, that's between her and God.

I don't think God calls us to be close to everybody--even in our extended family.  I'm not close to all of my cousins, but that doesn't make any of us bad people.  That's just the way it goes--personalities are different, lives are different.  However, if this person is within your immediate family (e.g. sister), I would definitely exercise wisdom--I wouldn't completely write her off.  Instead, I'd pray for her (as you said you would) and wait on God's timing to see when it's okay to be close to her again.  Sometimes, you guys just need some time off.

[DaveM]

Often times, the deepest and longest lasting wounds are the ones you can not see. verbal and emotional abuse are of the most destructive forms of abuse mainly because they are so hard to avoid and to detect by someone who could possibly help. Ironically the worst forms of these abuses happen in the place that is supposed to be the most safe; home. I must admit that to some extent I have been on both sides of that fence, I have been abused and I have been the abuser. I am not saying this to brag or seek pity, and I honestly do not have any advise for you. I only want you to know that you are not alone and that there are others who do have an understanding of what you are going through. No I do not mean to say I know what you are going through, I can not know that because I am not you and I have not gone through specifically what you are going through, but I have experienced some abuse and have abused. I guess my point in this is that there are 2 sayings that I firmly believe in. "We often hurt the ones we love the worst" and "If no is not an option then yes has no meaning."

[Danielle]

Thank you Emily. Thank you Dave. I appreciate the advice both of you have given me. I am not going to lie to you....though I possess the desire to forgive her, I do not know how. She is one of the most vendictive people I know....and it pains me to say that about my own flesh and blood...but it is the truth. A relationship with her is just not possible. To forgive her though, is.

In terms of my little boy and her....I have decided she does not have to get to know him if she lacks the desire to do so. Already have a grandparent that he will never know due to the grandparent's choices and lack of want to have a part in his life, so likely will treat my sister the same. Have no desire to force him and her to get to know one another.

Any thoughts on how I might work on taking steps to forgive her?